I've read this blog "The Moments We Stand" for a long time.  Although our stories are extremely different, and I have not gone through anything like what she has had to go through, I've found myself relating really well to what she has to say.  She tends to post things that strengthen me, right at the right time.  Today on Instagram, she posted this picture of a sign that said "I am a happy person, and I have lots of friends" and talked about how her daughter had an ongoing thought that was not a true statement about herself, and needed to recognize the truth.  I had just been thinking about that.  Satan has a way of influencing us, when we don't even realize it, with these negative thoughts that we listen to and dwell on. 


I had an uncomfortable situation with one of my design clients this week, that made me have really negative thoughts about my abilities.  Then there's been the last few months of feeling like I'm not good enough, since this last breakup.


I've felt completely broken, and feeling broken in one area of my life has weighed down other areas.  I keep seeing things working out for everyone else, and nothing working out for me.  I rarely answered the phone when people would call, except for business calls.  So when this client situation happened, I totally believed that I was broken, and never going to be good enough at anything.


That's totally a lie!  Just because one part of my life feels broken, that doesn't mean it'll never be fixed- or that I'm really broken.  Just because one client had all these crazy demands with her hyper pregnant hormones, didn't end up liking my efforts, doesn't mean anything.  You're never going to please everyone, it doesn't make you less of a person. 


While I've been dealing with this broken feeling, I've been praying and praying and praying.  For the first maybe 8 weeks, I was not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.  Nothing was improving, and I was feeling more and more broken by the second.  As I was praying and not feeling like my prayers were being heard, I was in this downward spiral, knowing that nothing was ever going to get better, and having no hope.  That's not the way the Savior works, He wouldn't have wanted me to feel that way.  I was completely open to the influence of the adversary, and I was letting him in at every turn.  One day I was talking to my mom, and said, "It would be so hard to be someone that doesn't know that there's a plan, and that there's a Savior," talking about a sad situation going on on the news.  She said that I would know, because that is how I'd been acting for weeks.  That was when I realized that I needed to make a change.


My Savior was there for me, at all times, I just wasn't letting Him in.  I had blocked Him out of my life.  I occasionally have gone back to that broken mess, but I don't stay there long, because there is a plan, I may not see or understand it, but I trust that the Lord knows better than I do what I need.


In the past few months, I've grown, and I'm grateful.  I've had more design experience, been able to try new things in that realm.  I've learned more in depth info about cabinet fabrication, and learned new ways to deal with difficult situations.  I've taken my camera out, and just enjoyed taking pictures of the beauties that I drive past as I drive all over creation for my jobs.  I bought a punching bag, and love using it!  I'm out looking for things that bring me joy, and it's fun!


I know I can stand!

Once upon a time there was a girl that had lots of dreams.  As she grew up her dreams changed with her, as she changed.  However, her biggest dream remained the same.  Through many experiences, that dream has not come to pass.  She's had many amazing experiences that she never would have had, had her dreams come true when she planned they would.

Now many years later, as once again, that dream was crushed, she struggles with what to do next.  Where is she going?  How does she overcome this?  The usual answers aren't helping this time around.  Her friends, at least that she thought were friends, are so busy with their own lives that she feels abandoned.  She wonders what she could have done differently in the situation at hand and in her friendships that appear so distant.  Reflecting back to the situation, she has no regrets, with her behavior, she regrets trusting.  Trusting someone that had been a part of her life for many years, but his role had changed, and she trusted him.

Now it's a new beginning, and a different path.  That path just appears to be blocked.  Life is hard.  I am grateful for a family that supports me so much.  My mom, brother and his family are such a comfort, even if none of us know what to do next.  I'm so grateful for a little guy that sends me messages right at the right time.

Trials, Lessons, & Faith

One time I was given a priesthood blessing at the beginning of a new calling-or responsibility- at church.  In it, I was blessed with a love for the scriptures, and that I would have a desire to learn what the scriptures have in store.  I remember as a young woman reading the required reading for seminary, and that's as far as it went.  Then after college, I had a job where I worked with many people with different beliefs than I had, and this desire to learn as much as I could, so I could figure out where I was and where I was going was born.  I'd read all the time, at my desk, when work was slow.  I was grateful for that time.  Anyways, I had this desire to read that was new to me.  So, fast forward to present day.  I love reading the scriptures, and with my current calling, I've been able to learn so much about the Old Testament, and now the New Testament. 

Two nights ago, I started reading the Book of Mormon, again.  I read in 1 Nephi 4:31 "And after the angel had departed, Laman and Lemuel again began to murmur saying:  How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands?..."  This is just after an angel had spoken to them, and told them that the Lord would provide the way.  Every time I've read this verse, I always think, 'how dumb were they- they just had an angel tell them'.  This time it meant something different to me.  I'm like Laban & Lemuel.  I haven't had any angelic visitors, but I've received personal revelation- just for me - and then I say to myself shortly after, 'How the heck could that happen?'  I'm them.  Wow!  I need to work on that!

There's this difference between being faithful and having faith.  I'm faithful, but do I have faith?  I do in many aspects of my life, not in all.  This week has been one of those weeks of reflection.  Interesting!  I'm grateful for the scriptures, and that I have learned to relate those ancient books to my life.