A letter...

Hey You,

You know who you are, even though you tried to ignore me at Maverik the other day. For some reason you have been the hardest broken promise to get past. I'm sure it would be easier if I didn't have to see you ALL the time.

I guess the hardest thing is just understanding. If I'd not been lied to and used for months. You were my friend long before you were more. You came in through the back door. My guard was down, because you were you. You made so many promises and so many plans. I just had to wait, that's what you said.

While you were so caught up in your pain and heartbreak, did you not see what you were doing to me? Why didn't you care? We talked about it, you talked about it. Empty words. You just kept taking and taking, promising to give, but never fulfilling those promises. Instead you'd show up, flirt- make sure I was still there when you needed me- as a confidence booster, a babysitter, a secretary, someone who loved you, a cook. That was me. I did those things. All the while loving and waiting.

You couldn't even be honest, face to face. I had a feeling, but I don't know how you get your eyes to lie, because they told - even at Maverik- tell another story than your cowardly text message did.

You profess humility and kindness, but are so focused on you. You'll never see this, but I had to get it out of my system.

Be kind. Be humble. Be grateful.
Me

I've read this blog "The Moments We Stand" for a long time.  Although our stories are extremely different, and I have not gone through anything like what she has had to go through, I've found myself relating really well to what she has to say.  She tends to post things that strengthen me, right at the right time.  Today on Instagram, she posted this picture of a sign that said "I am a happy person, and I have lots of friends" and talked about how her daughter had an ongoing thought that was not a true statement about herself, and needed to recognize the truth.  I had just been thinking about that.  Satan has a way of influencing us, when we don't even realize it, with these negative thoughts that we listen to and dwell on. 


I had an uncomfortable situation with one of my design clients this week, that made me have really negative thoughts about my abilities.  Then there's been the last few months of feeling like I'm not good enough, since this last breakup.


I've felt completely broken, and feeling broken in one area of my life has weighed down other areas.  I keep seeing things working out for everyone else, and nothing working out for me.  I rarely answered the phone when people would call, except for business calls.  So when this client situation happened, I totally believed that I was broken, and never going to be good enough at anything.


That's totally a lie!  Just because one part of my life feels broken, that doesn't mean it'll never be fixed- or that I'm really broken.  Just because one client had all these crazy demands with her hyper pregnant hormones, didn't end up liking my efforts, doesn't mean anything.  You're never going to please everyone, it doesn't make you less of a person. 


While I've been dealing with this broken feeling, I've been praying and praying and praying.  For the first maybe 8 weeks, I was not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.  Nothing was improving, and I was feeling more and more broken by the second.  As I was praying and not feeling like my prayers were being heard, I was in this downward spiral, knowing that nothing was ever going to get better, and having no hope.  That's not the way the Savior works, He wouldn't have wanted me to feel that way.  I was completely open to the influence of the adversary, and I was letting him in at every turn.  One day I was talking to my mom, and said, "It would be so hard to be someone that doesn't know that there's a plan, and that there's a Savior," talking about a sad situation going on on the news.  She said that I would know, because that is how I'd been acting for weeks.  That was when I realized that I needed to make a change.


My Savior was there for me, at all times, I just wasn't letting Him in.  I had blocked Him out of my life.  I occasionally have gone back to that broken mess, but I don't stay there long, because there is a plan, I may not see or understand it, but I trust that the Lord knows better than I do what I need.


In the past few months, I've grown, and I'm grateful.  I've had more design experience, been able to try new things in that realm.  I've learned more in depth info about cabinet fabrication, and learned new ways to deal with difficult situations.  I've taken my camera out, and just enjoyed taking pictures of the beauties that I drive past as I drive all over creation for my jobs.  I bought a punching bag, and love using it!  I'm out looking for things that bring me joy, and it's fun!


I know I can stand!